Monday, October 1, 2012

GUTGAA SPP #23 - Immortal Things


Title: Immortal Things
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 90,000
Query:
        When an immortal alpha male from New Orleans searches for his rogue brother, he embarks on a torrid and illicit affair with a human, Kila. The instant attraction drags Kila into a clandestine realm that has hugged reality for centuries, one where shape-shifters prowl the earth while preying on humans. Powerful adversaries face Kila, vowing to destroy her while returning Ethan to his alpha duties.
        As the adventure escalates, the whispers in Kila’s head pull her to the place of her birth, exposing the most astonishing revelation yet. You see, Kila isn’t a weak, insecure human begging at the feet of immortals. She just happens to be their worst nightmare, and fated for a destiny most befitting of star-crossed lovers.

First 150 Words:
        “You look exhausted, Kila, are you okay?” Nicole McDuggar asked.
        “Just a horrendous night, is all.” Kila rubbed her eyes, and yawned.
        “Bad dreams again?”
        “Yeah. Those nightmares about. . . you know, I don’t even know what they are--wolves, monsters, something ravenous in a southern accent.”
        The young, olive skinned woman shivered. Kila pulled loose strands of hair back, and tucked them behind her ear. She couldn’t understand why her dreams were so daunting, stripping her of energy and wrapping her mind with a world so real that the remnants lingered even during waking hours. Her dreams felt like a calling-a rather graphic and disturbing one.
        “Are you feeling well? Hon, I’m worried about you. Don’t tell me you’re working late tonight.” Nicole shook her head, already anticipating the impending answer.
        “But of course. I’m a night person, always have been.”

4 comments:

Slave to the Muse said...

Nice! Really liked this line: "The instant attraction drags Kila into a clandestine realm that has hugged reality for centuries..." I would divide that sentence into two, though. Or, remove the word "one":
"The instant attraction drags Kila into a clandestine realm that has hugged reality for centuries. One where shape-shifters prowl the earth while preying on humans."
OR
"The instant attraction drags Kila into a clandestine realm that has hugged reality for centuries, where shape-shifters prowl the earth while preying on humans."

In my own experience, opening with dialogue has been a no-no. A paragraph or two to set the scene for chapter one would be nice!
I'll be voting later so check back to see if you get another comment from me. Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

Noted and done! Thanks.

Manchee said...

Talking to the reader in a query is generally not done, as it takes us out of the story. "You see" can be taken out. Also, the dialog feels a little bit forced to me in the first 150. Check out the tips here: http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/09/seven-keys-to-writing-good-dialogue.html

Rose Cardinal said...

An interesting concept and well written query letter. This was good, but I like a bit of grounding in a world before being thrown into dialogue. Still, it made my short list.