Monday, October 1, 2012

GUTGAA SPP #21 - Running Home

RUNNING HOME
Adult Paranormal Thriller
80,000 words

Query:
Ellie never thought she would have to choose between her best friend and her destiny.  But there was never a choice.  They were both Chosen.

Fate ruled Ellie Morgan’s life.  It took her family away, and made her feel like a missing puzzle piece.  She succumbs to a life of solitude in a small New Hampshire town where she feels safe.  She survived life without living it.

Now Fate is ready to give back.

Nicholas French answers the questions in Ellie’s restless soul.  Nicholas sees that there is a place she hasn’t found yet.  She doesn’t belong in this world.  She is destined for greatness. This is what it means to be Chosen.

Nicholas has already been claimed by Fate…he is a vampire. Denied choice of victims, these vampires are death angels, given Chosen humans to “save” from another more terrible end.  Nicholas and his vampire family are tortured by lingering thoughts and feelings of their victims, rationalizing that they are heroes in the end.

Ellie is Nicholas’s Chosen in a different way—it is his fate to Create her.  She is destined to be a vampire of great importance.  A mystical connection causes them agony when apart, confirming that Nicholas is her destiny in more ways than one.  Finally feeling a sense of purpose and belonging, Ellie gives in to the need to be with her would-be Creator.  Nicholas provides her heart the home it has longed for, and she begins to see the greatness in herself as real.

But Nicholas has another Chosen… Ellie’s best friend.   And there’s not much Ellie won’t do to keep her safe.

Ellie Morgan drowns in trying to reconcile the otherworldly connection with the vampire who would make her a hero, and being forced to make unthinkable choices.

First 150:
“I don’t want to dress like a human cupcake,” I pulled my arm away from Kat as she veered me in the direction of Katrina’s Boutique.

“But Ellie, there’s a sweater sale.” Kat smiled, even as she pleaded. She was unaffected by the wind and snow we had to trudge through to navigate downtown Ossipee that day.

“I’ll be at—“

“Birch Tree.  I know.”  Widening her smile more, she fluttered away in a swish of lilac wool, sunset hair, and peony perfume.  She knew it wasn’t in season, but would never wear a different scent.

I shook off the biting cold, my boots pelting the floor with snow.  More wet clumps dropped from my hood, and I wiped sloppy, black strands of hair from my cheeks with mittened hands.

The string of bells on the door caught my sleeve, making them jingle too long.  I felt loud, irritating the comfortable world around me that had been my go-to place since being an awkward teenager.

2 comments:

Michael McDuffee said...

I'm intrigued by this setup, with vampires being unable to chose their victims and destiny playing such a heavy hand. I think the pitch could stand to be shorter and tighter, but the concept is cool.

Slave to the Muse said...

Cool premise and a nice twist on the vampire theme. I think the query might read stronger if you get rid of the opening paragraph and start with "Fate ruled..." I also think you could improve your opening chapter with a paragraph to set the scene leading into the dialogue and a strong hook. I would consider a new title too. Something that hints at your subject matter more, since it's so unique.
I'll be voting later so check back to see if you get another comment from me. Good luck!