Monday, October 1, 2012

GUTGAA SPP #32 - Bound and Broken

Bound and Broken
Paranormal Romance (Adult)
96,000 words

For years, Grey suppressed her psychic abilities with medication, but when she meets Sergei, a broody vampire, she decides she wants more out of life. Sergei makes her feel and shows her that even with emotions from strangers bombarding her, life is worth feeling if she can gain control over her abilities.

After more than a century, Sergei’s maker, the controlling vampire queen Mara comes back into his life. And she brought her sociopathic blood addicted companion, Tyr with her. Mara is still angry that Sergei walked out on her over a century ago. She decides that she will have him, body and soul.  
Mara beats and starves Sergei for a week, and when he is freed, Grey’s strong psychic blood is the only thing that can save him. The life-saving blood donation inadvertently leaves them soul-bound, and fighting two ancient vampires determined to torment them both.

Chapter 1 
Grey squinted against the blazing hall light and tried not to stumble down the stairs. The haze of sleep grew dimmer with each thud of a fist against her front door. Who would be knocking in the middle of the night? 
“Open the goddamn door.” The sound of her drunken ex-husband’s voice brought back memories of his false accusations and blame. She hesitated with her hand cradling the knob, staring at the peeling white paint of the door. Another project Jim had never finished. His fist pounded again. 
Stealing herself against his anger, she jerked the door open and shivered when a blast of cool fall air hit her. “What the hell are you doing here?” 
It must have been well after midnight. Not a soul stirred in Grey’s quiet, suburban neighborhood. The street lamp down the block cast enough light to allow her see Jim’s bloodshot eyes.


Unknown said...

Hey a couple of things you may want to look at here:

One, you probably don't need to name anyone other than the Hero and Heroine, so use a moniker to describe Mara - 'maker' 'his mistress', etc. You don't need Tyr at all.

Two - you need to have the second paragraph from the Hero's perspective. Look at your structure for your first paragraph: A history, a catalyst, a new goal. Do this for him:

A century ago Sergei walked out on his maker. Now she's back and determined to have him again. Sergei ... give us a goal or a stake he has. Loose his life? Loose his free will? Knows the torture he'll under go?

Again, make this from Sergei POV.
Starved and beaten by his mistress for a week, Sergei's on the edge of death unless he can ...

Don't make this an AND, make it a separate sentence and make sure you show what they think will happen if they don't succeed. Torment isn't enough here: Loose soul? Gain control of her power? This final stake needs to be higher:
fighting two ancient vampires determined to torment them both....

One more thought, about your first 150: You given us a lot of reasons why she *shouldn't* open the door, so many reasons that I'm wonder why the heck she does. So you might want to add a reason why or else I'm thinking she's not someone I'd care to read much more about.

Slave to the Muse said...

I liked the premise, I thought your query was strong, and I was pulled in by your first 150 words. All that in spite of having vampire burn-out. I've been through every entry now and I can say, you have my vote! Good luck!

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